Too Cool For School
by Exploderizer
Summary: Twilight tries to be cool! Will she do it? Can she do it? Should she do it?


"No, no, you don't _get it_, Twilight. It's not something you _learn_, it's something you _earn_." Rainbow Dash had had enough of Twilight's pestering, frankly. For being such an egghead, she sure had a hard time understanding the concept of "Cool". She'd tried reading books, but they were so cool, her eyes couldn't handle it. After going completely blind for two weeks, she gave up on trying to read it... unprotected. She tried wearing sunglasses one time. It wasn't very fun when the sheer coolness of the book both _melted and froze the sunglasses to her face __at the same time_.  
"Ugh, why can't I get it? It seems so simple!"  
"You're overthinking it, egghead," remarked Rainbow Dash astutely.  
"No I'm not, I'm merely trying to take the rational and cautious approach to the subject at hand. As recent events stemming from books have shown me, I have to do this slowly," retorted Twilight.  
"See, that in itself isn't cool. Fluttershy's cooler than you. At least she _was_ after she went to that seminar. That was pretty fu-"  
"Hey, keep it PG, remember?"  
"... Rad."  
But Twilight was adamant. Giving up? Ha! It definitely wasn't an option, not with so much on the line. Twilight had a vague idea what "Cool" ponies did, and that was have sex almost every day. Twilight was by no means a _virgin_, but that doesn't mean she hadn't gone a very long time without getting some. Why, the last time she did, it was pretty wild. Big Mac was there, and they totally-  
"Hey! Do you have to tell everyone about that? This is for kids! The nerve!"  
-With a lead pipe, a rubber duck, and some grilled cheese sandwiches! Can you believe it? Man, you'd never think that Twilight, of all ponies would go through with that. The things she learned from Pinkie Pie are things that you'd _never_ get from a book. But I digress.  
One fateful and rather bizarre day, Twilight found herself walking down the street after another failed attempt at reading. This time, the author was so cool, not only did the words look like complete gibberish to normal uncool ponies, but he died halfway through the book, leaving it with a _bunch_ of blank pages. Twilight gave up. She was taking a stroll, Spike still in bed, catatonic from his last encounter with one of the books. It wasn't pretty. Dragons don't bend that way.  
Anyway, back to the matter at hoof. She was walking down the dirt road, as usual, to a store to buy yet another parka and pair of sunglasses. However, today was a little different than usual. About two minutes down the road, she saw a sales mule. However, this was no ordinary sales mule. This was a _cool_ sales mule. As Twilight walked up to them, she noticed he was wearing a chain, five different watches, nine hats all at the same time, had gold teeth, and a turtleneck. He was so cool, he didn't even had a name, or so she told him.  
"So, uh, listen up, li'l girl, you look like somepony who could use some more cool in her life."  
"Why, thank you, sir, but I don't nee-"  
"Trust me, you do."  
"Um, alright..."  
"Now, you're naked. That's hot, but naw. Naw, we need to get you some clothes, those are cool."  
The mule put some clothes on her, they didn't fit, and the pants were uncomfortably loose. He then proceeded to put about 4 pairs of sunglasses on her, but she could still see using her magic. Then, he punched her in her hindquarters, so she would walk funny, with "swag" as he called it. She winced in a strange mix of pain and pleasure, and the mule smiled.  
"That's called a donkey pun-"  
"Don't."  
The mule took a sip from a can of light punch and smiled.  
"Light punch? That doesn't seem very cool..."  
"Only douchebags drink before sundown. Now, back to you..."  
He pulled out a little bag filled with what seemed to be a grass of some sort. Twilight looked at it, perplexed as to how this would help.  
"You don't have to use it, but just carrying this stuff around just makes you seem a bit cooler."  
"You have any more? I want to look _really_ cool."  
"Sorry, fresh out, some quiet yellow pegasus came by and bought the rest. She left this last baggy so she wouldn't feel guilty. Those were a _lot_ of drugs."  
"Wha-"  
"No more questions, get out there!"  
She started swagging in pain to her next destination, the cafe, where she spotted Rarity sitting. She swagged over, Rarity very clearly appaled at her friend's demeanor and style.  
"Why, darling, whatever has gotten into you? You look ridiculous!"  
"I'm trying to be cool... Is it working?"  
"You look... Interesting... I think I hear Sweetie calling, she must be stuck in that well again, toodle-oo!"  
Rarity left, dashing faster than anypony could have possibly imagined. It was rather impressive, actually. Twilight looked around, with her "cool" attire on, and wondered if her new outfit would bestow upon her some new abilities. She took out a book on being cool. She opened it, and it shined so bright that some ponies in the general vicinity ran away. She looked at it cautiously, but was surprised to see that not only were the 4 pairs of sunglasses protecting her from being blinded, the sheer coolness of her clothes kept them from melting, and what's more, the words actually started to make sense!  
"This is amazing! Now, I shall let the coolness commence!"  
She read the book, and word by word, she started to get cooler, and cooler. Everyone was amazed by how ridiculous this sight was, and how improbable. She closed the book. She smiled. She got up, swagged to the counter, got a tray of salad, and commenced to swag back to her table, dropping her food in the process. When she finally got to her table, the salad wasn't even on the tray anymore, rather all over the place.  
"Well, whatever."  
She left without another word, and swagged back home. Once she got home, she threw some magic around and decorated. Then, she had a party. The craziest party.  
She woke up the next day with a headache and three stallions and another mare in her bed. She smiled. Perfect. A few hours later, she swagged into Rainbow Dash, since she no longer used magic to see through all her shades. She was _that_ cool.  
"What are you wearing, egghead?"  
Twilight just sighed and swagged on. Soon, she caught the attention of everypony and town, and she could do nothing but revel in her own awesomeness. And party. There were plenty of those. Party after party, night after night, things would get more and more out of control. Her sleeping patterns became more and more erratic, often passing out while outside, and she eventually stopped sleeping altogether. The magic of the book of coolness started to seep into her very being, and she soon started to glow with the magic. She then forgot how to read normal words, since the book was comprised almost entirely of scribbles, and some punctuation. She no longer answered letters from the princess (Which were now delivered personally).  
On the odd days when she _could_ sleep (Possibly because of an overload of cool for the day), she had to wear her sunglasses to bed, the glow became so intense. Then it started to get serious. After passing out at another one of her parties, she was taken to the nearest hospital. The doctors informed her that the cool was spreading through her body like a cancer, and in addition to her PIV and PPV, her organs were shutting down, one after another, and that she didn't have much time left.  
"Well," Twilight started out. "I guess I was... _**TOO COOL TO FUNCTION."**_  
She died on the spot.  
The next day, her funeral was held. It was held so quickly since everypony had decided that nothing was going to be done to her since nopony would touch her with a ten-foot pole. It was a closed-casket funeral, but you could still see a faint glow emanating from within. She wasn't embalmed, since her body froze. She lied there, dead, her sunglasses still on, and a smile on her face.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This idea was conceived while I was sleep deprived, and mostly written at times when I should have been asleep. I'm sure that at some points in the story, the quality jumps off the proverbial cliff, maybe. I don't know. I'm too sleep-deprived to actually find that out for myself. Tell me where you think it is!


End file.
